I knew it wasn't real-

I think I have dysthymia.

Formal sucked -- and it was my own fault. I should have known. I don't like dancing or loud music. Or standing on the wall like a loser while people whisper about me. And then I had to go have a fight with Russ. That was particularly stupid of me. I guess it just upset me further that so many people were having fun and I wasn't. I guess it just upset me that all the couples were being so coupley, especially Brianna and Caleb, when Russ and I couldn't really look each other in the eye. And I wish things would have gotten better at the after-party. It was okay for a while. I got drunk pretty fast, and felt pretty good. Then I had to go to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I thought I looked unbelievably ugly. That just sent me into a whirlpool of sadness and no one could fix it. I know I was drunk, and I should have just forgot about it right away, but being sad is such a familiar state for me that I just felt so soberly solemn. And I said things I shouldn't have. What a waste of a night.

There's just too much...too many feelings, too much homework, too much stress. And not enough people close to my heart.

1. I want to drink more water.

2. I want to lose a few pounds. Maybe by this weekend!

3. I want to have a good time at formal. It seems like something I'm going to have to try for.

4. I want new jeans. And a new bra.

5. I want white eyeliner and bubblegum pink lipstick.

6. I want to smile more.

7. I want to criticize less. And be less sarcastic.

8. I want to do well in school this LAST semester. But I can't seem to try.

9. I want to get a job!! I am so poor.

10. I want to be someone that people want to be around.

11. I want to be closer to my friends. There has been a lot of drifting...

12. I want to stop wanting things I don't need.

Owl City ftw.

I wish my dog understood English so that when I said "I love you" to him, he didn't just walk away.

I think I'll send that in to Postsecret.

GAH.

The internet is so boring. My life is so boring. I need to find something to do on those nights where Russ is working. I need a job. I need to change my hair, get a new piercing, get a tattoo. I need to buy new clothes. I need to clean everything I own.

I think maybe I don't want to die anymore. It's good. I had been wanting to stop wanting to die. =D
I love minty tingling lube.


by the way  I'M  BORED.

Life is too fucking complicated and I don't want to be in it anymore.

I'm dead serious.

Don't forget, all you are is a slutty piece of ass!

Nothing is worth it anyway, Katie.
The bad will always outweigh the good. You can't run away from the horrors. Are you prepared to deal with the fact that you're an evil whore? All the good that comes to you is undeserved. You're a dirty whore so kill yourself before you hurt someone.
Kill yourself before someone gets hurt, you dirty fucking slut.
It's never going to get better. Just spend your days crying and taking your clothes off. It won't fix things.
Sell off your body and lower yourself to your true worth. You don't deserve your dignity.
People don't like you, they just like to use you.
You're a worthless whore and don't you forget it.

Sometimes I just want to be a slut. SO BADLY.
I wish I had an alternate life. I want to keep this one.
But I also want to be a SLUT.
 

I wish I had huuuuge beautiful eyes. That were huge.Like...Anna's!!!

I used to love to draw people in to me.
I want them to love me, I want them all to love me. Who doesn't want that?
I'd do whatever they want. I'd be sweet, I'd be a slut, I'd be sad. I'd be what they want.
But I think I may stop this now.
I've realized that it doesn't actually work. And that no one cares anyway.
Because they don't care. They are in turn only pretending.
But I really do care.
I should stop wondering if people approve of what I listen to, if they think I'm sexy, or kind, or smart, or a good singer.
Only maybe I don't approve anymore, or think I am these things. Because that would be directly related.
I won't stop caring if people think I'm beautiful, though. Even if no one thinks this, I'll pretend they do.
I should stop trying so hard, because no one cares anyway. I won't talk unless I'm spoken to. I'll stop telling people anything about my self, my past. I'll shut down. They don't want to know, I've discovered. And I don't want them to know. I want them to wonder.
 

I had my first dream about suicide. Well, that I remember.
I was in a hospital, that in a way was more like a ... civic center or something. It was a hospital, but more friendly looking.
I knew a number of the people hanging around. A locker room, I think it was. How steretypical, a rumor was buzzing around. A rumor that someone had tried to kill themself. As I heard people talking about it, I knew the person in the rumor was me. I panicked slightly and went in search of a help desk. I found one and the lady at it seemed very nice. I began to cry and I begged her to hospitalize me, to get me a bed to stay in. I thought I would be safer and happier in a hospital, with people taking care of me. [I have thought that for a very long time.] She very enthusiastically agreed, reassuring me that they would get me a bed and take care of me.
She led me through the hospital, a labyrinth in itself, so polished, with circular elevators. But when we got to the room, there was already someone occupying it. I don't remember much more...but I think maybe I was deposited into a bed designed for cats.

Huh.

I hate hate fucking HATE the way people can just drift apart. Like there's nothing left between them, there's nothing left to say.
We never even got all the way to being friends. Russ said we were friends but I KNEW that we never got there. We've never hung out.
I have this habit of being able to get really close to people...over MSN. But in person? Nope, I fucking freeze. How cowardly, right?
Back when we talked nonstop about anything we wanted, I loved it. I felt like, man, I finally have a friend. And we told eachother our secrets. And it touched me so deeply, and all I wanted to do was to help, and be there. I loved talking like that, it was something to look forward to.
And then something happened, and it was all gone. I don't know...why.
We don't say anything anymore. Nothing but "Hey" and "What's up".
I want so badly to just dive right back in to confessing everything and anything, but I know how WEIRD that would seem.
The awkward responses would hurt so much.
Who do I tell that I cried myself to sleep last night?
 

Apparently this is what happens when I am at home alone for an entire day.
I watch Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.
I play guitar.
I do clay facial masks.
I organize my music.
I get really lonely and depressed.
I steal my parents' alcohol.

What I should be doing: Studying.

What's wrong with me? I feel like throwing up. I feel like burning my ears off. Why do I keep thinking that you'll get into a fatal car accident? I can't bear to be without you even though I know it's killing you to be with me all the time.
What is wrong with my work ethic?!?! Why am I always overworked, yet get NOTHING done!? When am I going to not be tired...?

Why can't I have the fun that other people do? Where are all of my friends?
Here I am, missing hanging out with other people. But when I do hang out with them, it just makes me sad.

I don't know what it is right now making me want to get drunk out of my mind and cry.
Everyone else is having a great life. Good times. They're loving high school, and being in love. What is wrong with me.

Did you know that EVERYTHING makes me cry?! EVERYTHING! IT'S SO FUCKING SUPPRESIVE!!
I feel so goddamn bad about it. If you say ANYTHING negative, I burst into tears. It just isn't fair. You should be able to say anything to me.
SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY I AM LIKE THIS.  

When everything around me is perfect, when everyone around me is SO happy, when absolutely nothing is going wrong,
Why am I so fucking sad? Why am I crying?  Why am I so disappointed in myself? Why do I wish I was so many other people?
Why can't I be happy with myself?

Why am I crying? Everyone is so happy. Everything is going right. Why can't I stop crying?

Very common questions: Have you eaten today? How does your stomach feel? Do you have a headache?
I appreciate his concern, but it's so sad that it has to be there.

Katie's tired. And her stomach really hurts. I was getting so sick of it, I thought, 'Maybe it's hunger?'  So as a last resort I tried eating. That really didn't help. At all. Not a bit. Still hurts just as much. That burny, I-want-to-throw-up-but-I-can't, just-got-punched-really-hard-in-the-gut feeling. Grin and bear it, Katie.
Maybe the doctor will tell me something is awfully wrong with me.
I have a doctor's appointment next week. On the 7th? I'm not sure. I'm really really scared though.
I have never had an internal exam. Like...he's going to look inside of me. YES, HE. I have a male doctor whose English (I think it's English?) I cannot understand. Can you understand why I'm scared.
I think I will ask for birth control so that I don't have to miss school and lie in bed crippled with pain of menstrual cramps that come with my hideously heavy period.
Maybe I should go to bed and get two hours of sleep. I usually can get more that that during the day. Perhaps I'm becoming nocturnal?
I just barely finished the Psychology exam. But I did it. Just like you said I would. Somehow I believed you, too. Maybe it was the way you said it. Over and over again. Your confidence in me is appalling. But thank you. I need it. I need you.
I will now go to bed and sleep with my new teddy bear. I love you.